To All The Boys I've Loved Before | A Love Letter

Thursday, August 23, 2018


Dear boys,


to some of you this letter might come as a surprise. Some of you might even ask: "Who is that person?". Well, let me tell you about me a bit.

I was that girl, who was always too shy to approach anybody. I was that girl, who always thought nobody would like her. Because she looked different and people had made fun of her looks before. I was that girl, who daydreamed about being with you. I was that girl, who secretly admired you from far and would turn around with blushed cheeks, if you caught her gazing.

Since I was a kid, I dreamt about love. Books and movies can do a lot to a young girl, you know? But no one tells you, that those stories are just fiction. They're just made up. The reality is much, much harsher. Every secret crush, that got leaked, would be made fun of. Every love letter, I sent exclusively, would be read out publicly. Every attempt to open up about my feelings, would be turned down.


I'm not complaining. Not at all.
I am glad, that my class mate in primary school (every girl had a crush on) practically ignored me. I am smiling about the thought, that those three guys in middle school practically didn't even know who I was. I am thankful, that I spent some fun times with my first boyfriend during high school, whom I now call my best friend. I am proud of myself, that I approached the guy on the train, on which I had a crush for about half a year, even though I got turned down. I can laugh about the fact, that the "kitchen guy" dropped me after two months and crawled back to me some time later. I am reminiscing about the guy, from whom I really thought he would like me, 'cause he was the first one I was really infatuated with. I am a bit sad, that I messed up the opportunity with the guy of last summer, because I hadn't been ready for anything new at that time. I am grateful to have met that person, with whom I have never felt that safe, comfortable and accepted with anyone before.

The list is practically endless. I could go on and on. Thanks to you I realised, on whom I was only crushing (on a lot of people) and for whom I had real, deep feelings (not that many). You might wonder, who those lucky ones are. If you were one of them. Let me just tell you: You all had an impact on me, on my life. Some more, some less. You all somehow shaped me to that person I am now today. And I pretty like the person I have become.


But I realised, that love is not only about feelings. Love is a decision. If you want to be with someone, you decide actively to commit to this person. You consciously choose that person. You commit to a shared life. Day after day. It's hard work and none of you really wanted to stand up for that. That is fine. I, too, only would have wanted that for only a couple of you. So we're even on that.

People call their partners their "significant other" or even their "better half". But I figured, that if you are trying to complete yourself with someone else, you are partly giving up yourself. Ironic, isn't it? I feel like, the more you try, the more distance the other person keeps between you. I am tired of chasing someone, who isn't that interested in me. I am tired of investing, if I'm not receiving anything in return. I am tired of being the second-best, the second option, just because I might be available.

That's why I'll stop here now. All of you made me realise, what I have to look for. Of course I love the thrill, the high of being so lovedrunk that you only can think about that one person. Nothing compares to that feeling. But it's not enough. I want someone, who appreciates me as a person. Someone, who treats me well, cares about me, supports merespects me, accepts me for who I am. Someone, who is sincere about me. Someone, who is worth my time. Because I would do the same. I am definitely not actively searching for anyone or anything right now. But if I happen to meet someone and it fits, then why not?

So I want to thank you all. I want to thank you all for all the lessons you taught me, for all the heartbreaks you caused me, for all the bullshit you put me through. If it weren't you, I would not be here, where I am now. So, the joke's on you.

I wish you all the best.

Sincerely.

//

This post was clearly inspired by Netflix' movie "To All The Boys I've Loved Before", based on the novel by Jenny Han. I watched it some evenings ago and was so in love with it. Support more diverse media representation (German readers can read my article regarding Asian representation on MTV.de), show the film some love (I want a sequel!) and please go watch it! 

This post is not sponsored by anyone or anything. I wish.

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