This was 2019

Tuesday, December 31, 2019


I've been in my head a lot the past year.

There hasn't been a year so far in which I have written less.
I didn't blog, I haven't journaled that much, I haven't worked on my projects. And the lack of practice is unfortunately showing.

There hasn't been a year so far in which I have created less.
Instead, I consumed a lot. Media, news, social networks, documentaries, videos, series, movies, music. And not all of it was good. There has been way too much shit I have put into my head.

There hasn't been a year so far in which I have accomplished less.
About three quarters of the year I have spent at the office. My free time I used to unwind from the stress and sought for entertainment, but I did not used it productively.

There hasn't been a year so far in which I haven't taken care of myself less.
My body failed on me numerous times but worse, I failed my body. I pushed it to its limits from which I knew it cannot handle them. I put way too much crap into myself (hello alcohol, hello coffee) and expected it to work properly afterwards.

To be honest, the bar was freaking high.
2018 was an exemptional year. I have lived in three places, travelled non-stop, made new experiences, fell in and out of love, graduated college, started a new, exciting job, met so many new people and friends and deepened friendships.

2019 was not easy for me. I have struggled a lot. I felt lonely. A lot. I felt sad. Quite much. Sometimes more than sad. But this year was different: There wasn't a specific person who triggered it. I was limited - by myself.

But it was also a year of liberation.

I freed myself from toxic love. Realised, I am over it for good. Still, that person, who always will be very dear to me, decided on his own terms to cut ties with me, and I have to admit it still affects me. But I came to the realisation that we are probably better off without each other.

I have faced a lot of my fears and issues this year. Things, I have suppressed the past years and have never addressed properly. I finally spoke out about a major issue, I have carried with me way too long. It is still a long journey but it feels so good not to hide anymore. And for the next decade, I want to tackle the rest of them.

I won't set any new year's resolutions because I know what I have to do in order to reach my goals.
Structure, clearer and more tangible objectives, prioritising my needs, keeping up with being honest, speaking up about my feelings and being brave, and staying humble.

Because in the end, we all have to live with our shadows and make it through the day.

Happy New Year

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